Beginning to really look inside again

Sometimes, I feel so inspired, so hopeful, that so many ideas and thoughts and plans flood my mind. And I fear that unless I tranpire these thoughts into words that I may lose the potential that these ideas made me believe my life had. I want so badly for my life to have a profound meaning and to shape and beautify my soul, if God so wills, during this life. I hope to do so through charity and other good works. I want to go through self-improvement - I am far too inactive and feel powerless. And it's no one's fault but my own. After all, if I really wanted to make the most of my days, I can easily do so. I can better myself in various ways that are easily accessible to me - such as through prayers, readings, studying, or even an ordinary walk. I can explore the world around me just by taking a 10 minute walk around my neighbourhood. Yet I have made myself a prisoner in my own home, in my own internal world. I wonder sometimes what I fear so much that I seem to want to curl up into a little ball and throw away the key? Is it a lack of confidence in my abilities or a fear of failure? Or rather, are the two connected? Possibly. But I never get far in these reflections, as I yet again distract myself with meaningless activities. So in the interest of my own health and for the benefit of my very soul, here are some acts of self-improvement that I want to begin, if God so wills:

• Take a 15 minute walk each day. Preferrably in the afternoon during cold weather and in the mornings in warm weather. This is to relieve me from my restlessness and my constant fatigue (sounds contradictory, doesn't it?). It's a good way to begin to exercise, especially for someone as out of shape as I am. I pant walking from the bus stop to my house and when going up a single flight of stairs. Sometimes, I can't hardly breathe and my heart races when I'm lying down, doing nothing else and thinking of nothing that would upset or excite me. Seriously. I need to change this.
• Set and follow a regular daily pattern. Wake at the same time each day, eat at the same times and in the same portions, do regular activities at the same times, sleep at the same day every day. Hopefully, this way, my sleeping patterns will regulate and I will feel more rested after a while. Also, to ensure that I do all the things I set out to do, by making it a daily habit.
• Remember your choice to lead a life of submission to God. This is the most important thing to me. Everything else will fall into place, if God so wills, as long as I try my best to lead a life of submission to Him. It's through this decision and the study of my religion that I decided that my yearning should become my ambition. If I feel so strongly about being of help to others, to improve this world, and my religion certainly advocates it, then I shouldn't worry about leading a life that I know will lead to steady income or that will garner the approval of family, friends, and strangers. As corny as it sounds, I should follow my heart and that means leading a life completely in submission to God and dedicate myself to bettering myself and helping others, no matter the cost.
  
• Never stop learning. In the Noble Book, God encourages the pursuit of knowledge as knowledge will do nothing but benefit us, if He so wills. I want to broaden my mind, as I used to do when I was younger, rather than waste my life, mind, and blessings away on meaningless pursuits.
  
• Never use more than you need. Like everything on this list and everything I aspire to be, this goal is what my religion has shown me to be best for me. Like what the creators of the documentary "I am" said during an Oprah episode (can't remember whether it was Tom Shadyac or one of the men from the documentary clips), a tree never takes more than what it needs from what it is given. It doesn't take all of the nurtients from the soil, only what it needs. Likewise, it would be best if I take from the blessings God bestowed upon me as God is the Bestower, only what I need and give the rest to others who need it. I don't think this will mean that I will live in near-poverty but I don't want to continue to live a life of uber-excess. No, I am not wealthy but despite Western society's standards, I am most certainly not poor. I have a Blackberry, mp3 player, laptop, a car that may be mine (if I could only get my license), my own room, more than one pair of shoes, more than one coat, a closet full of clothes and so on. And while I am so blessed in that I don't have to go hungry each day, I still am filled with an obsessive want. What is it I want, you ask? More money, more clothes, recognition, popularity, fame, the latest car and gadgets and whatever else materialism demands I have. It's this want that fuels some of the evil and ungrateful thoughts in my head and I must be rid of it. I have to change the way I think, the way I live, and how I let myself be defined.
• Never fear any but God, so just go out and do it. By that I mean to stop fearing failure, embarassment or whatever else it is I fear. I should just go out and do what it is that I want to do. Whether it is going off alone to live in France to work and learn, although I am not fluent in French, or whether it is taking the courage to converse with a stranger in ASL despite my embarassment of not being able to use it fluently or quickly, what is the worst that will happen? The worst punishment is the torment of the Hellfire and the wrath of God, so what are a few snickers or embarassing memories in comparison? Of course, I don't mean to only and go out doing things involving a different language or culture but those were just the examples that came to mind.
  
• Let go of the security blankets. I find that when I feel bad about my failures, embarassments, or other insecurities, I turn to mindless activities and material things. For example, I would spend the day watching TV or films, reading magazines, or doing other things to escape the thoughts that will come to mind. Instead, I should face reality and not give up on myself. I should then work harder to bettering myself. Since it's difficult for me to moderate myself when it comes to indulgences, I hereby make it my initiative to stop watching TV and buying magazines and to restrict my time on the Internet.
  
• Give each day a purpose. Whether that purpose be to pay all my bills on the same day or to call up some relatives to say hello, it may be beneficial. At this point, I find that I have a very hard time doing what I plan to do. I haven't always been like this. At some points, I've been very responsible and a doer.

If God so wills, I will make a more specific to-do list as this list mainly encompasses the general ideas or the big picture. Let us hope that I do well on my journey on God's path. This path, I believe, involves a lot of reflection, self-improvements, and changes. This growth does not stop until the day I die so I hope I put every moment I've been given to good use, if God so wills. I feel as though this blog post and the intentions behind my words and goals are a declaration or renewal of my vows, my vows to myself, as this can only benefit me. May God guide me and help me to become a good person and may He forgive me in the Hereafter, if He so wills.

If you are reading and are on your own journey, I wish you all the best on your path! May God bless you, if He so wills.